Dear Angela...

Leadsome - We don't want a coronation, but we'll have a coronation? Enjoy your stay on the back benches you inadequate cockwomble!

Eagle - You don't have the strength of a blade of grass you wholly inadequate cockwomble, we voted for Jeremy because we'd rather have a left-wing opposition than another bunch of pale-blue Thatcherite 'lites'.

Merkel - Please god save us from ourselves! We are ruled by a squad of squabbling public-school prefects who would ruin the country for a brownie-point!

Dear Prime Minister

Got your leaflet the other day, in fact we've had several....there's nothing in them! Large print sloganeering and text 'sound bites', vast generalisations, seemingly designed to scare rather than educate. It's almost as if you secretly want to lose? Or - at least - aren't too bothered if we do get out of Europe.

I also listened to that Mr. Grayling supping at the temple of arselikens this weekend, that was amusing; he clearly thinks we are likely to stay in now and is desperate to curry favour with you in the event that he and his mob are left out in the cold, his description of you as the man for the job left me wondering if the child of God had returned, unannounced, and was quietly leading the Tory party!

To paraphrase (the Outie): 'In or Out, my mate Dave, my very best mate Dave that wot I love like a brother and respect like Mother Teresa is the only man to lead any negotiations; evv'errr!'

Well...if we get out, France will shit on us from a great height, they never wanted us to join  in the first place and secondly: Germany won't be minded to stop them. Using Norway's figures as an example we would pay more as 'Outies' to remain within the EU trading frameworks than we pay as 'Innies'.

While if we stay in, you can kiss goodbye to whatever - un-ratified - 'changes' you think you obtained the other day! Writ in stone? They're writ in wet sand, you really are an inadequate cockwomble!

Dear Prime Minister

Well! What to write to you about today...the IDS thing is turning into an Edwardian farce..."A Benefit CUT?!"

The business with Turkey provides column-inches daily, Europe hasn't gone away...indeed - it's getting closer! The recent Budget's coming unravelled like a golf-ball cut in half by a schoolboy's pocket-knife, as is; err...your party!

And it's on that last point I want to ruminate today; did you see all this coming when you surprised yourself last May by so successfully blaming the Labour Party for a global depression which was actually down to rotten bwankers (why are Iceland sending theirs to jail and the US fining theirs while we reward ours?) and blaming the Liberal's for your reactionary and socially destructive, purely political, austerity policies?

I did. I told all the weeping 'lefties' on-line/on the Facebook; all those blubbing on the Labour page, swearing on Chucky-Mark McGowan's page, rending their sack-cloth and ashes on the 38Degrees posts or ululating in Morning on Mr. Corbyn's page that you wouldn't last 18 Months!

I fleshed-out my piece of mumbo-jumbo soothsaying with the details that you would be facing a vote of no confidence within a year and a half, that you would lose that vote, in no small part due to the number of SNP members in the House - a legacy of all the Westminster mob stopping the Scots from doing what they were about to do - democratically - and that a General Election was due long before your term was up.

Nothing that's happened in the last few days (all three of them!) has changed my mind, and the likelihood of a total collapse of your government (and party) is stronger now than ever. The mileage you've had out of the splits in Labour, the howling and braying at PMQ's, the smug self-satisfaction and vacuous claims to a 'mandate' while all along: you're in bed with a nest of vipers.... those 'bastards' on the back-bench huh? But - at least you've got the media on side haven't you? Don't count on it!

IDS was a failure years ago (he was banging on about his Army career again at the weekend...what a fuckwit), he's not right in the head (in my own personal opinion) and should never have been given a front-bench job, so that grenade has left you firmly holding the pin...you've just dropped the pineapple!

Europe should never have been allowed to become the issue it has...two pins, two pineapples! Scotland? I blame Tony 'The Thacherite' Blair for that one, but he handed you the pin! Middle East...another pin...refugees, bankers...but where are the handles? You haven't got a handle on any of 'em, Prime Minister, just a handful of pins.

So - good luck* in PMQ's this Wednesday, should be fun! Good luck* on the Budget debate, should be interesting, good luck with the European Referendum (I do hate being on the same side there!) and good-luck* in the forthcoming General Election...November, do you think? Or earlier?

*Not really; I hope your ever-present, inadequate cockwomblery will see you keel-hauled, naked, on the World's Stage, by the opposition, electorate, media and your own, execrable back-bench!

Yours etc...